SAIF Golden Charter

When ‘I’m fine’ really means ‘total chaos’

Who will ever forget the death of Princess Diana in 1997, and the wave of grief that washed over the hearts of people in many lands?

Who will forget the image of her two young sons, Prince William and Prince Harry, then only 15 and 12, walking silently in their mother’s funeral procession as the world mourned?

And now, 20 years later, Prince Harry has made the brave revelation that losing his mother left him in emotional turmoil for 20 years, filling him with grief and rage he could only manage after he sought counselling. In an interview in the Daily Telegraph, the 32-year-old prince revealed that he had “shut down” and had been “very close to a complete breakdown on numerous occasions”.

Prince William and his wife Catherine, alongside Prince Harry, jointly co-ordinate the Heads Together campaign, aiming to end the stigma surrounding mental health in the UK. Harry gave an unprecedented insight into his past in hope it would encourage people experiencing mental health issues. He should be commended for having the courage to break with the traditional stoic silence around the topic, after years of “suffering in silence”.

“My way of dealing with it was sticking my head in the sand, refusing to ever think about my mum, because why would that help?” he said of his teens and 20s, when he embarked on a successful military career but also occasionally attracted unwanted headlines. According to the newspaper, he said at times he felt “on the verge of punching someone” and that the long suppression of his grief eventually led to “two years of total chaos”.

He said he pretended life was great until he started counselling and faced his problems. “All of this grief that I have never processed started to come to the forefront and I was like, there is actually a lot of stuff here that I need to deal with.”

It is known as ‘delayed grief’. Some might say 20 years is a long time to postpone grief, but it is not that unusual. A parent may put off or set aside grieving, so busy caring for children. Likewise, after a violent or traumatic death, memories can be so horrible and emotions so painful that the survivor can’t face them and simply suppresses the grief.

Some may ask: “Doesn’t it just ‘go away’ in time?” Unfortunately it won’t – just ask Prince Harry. Grief can manifest itself physically – unexplained headaches, ulcers and other symptoms – or mentally or emotionally in depression or unreasonable anger.

Something might trigger it, like the death of the family dog and all of the sudden mum’s grief about dad comes pouring out. She doesn’t understand why she is so upset, but that latest event may just be the opening of the emotional dam she has carefully constructed.

Grief eventually will work its way to the surface. People may have times of deep pain and sadness, but they say to themselves: “Okay, get on with your life. That’s what they would want you to do.” So time goes by, maybe six or 18 months, or even 20 years, then suddenly it hits you like a ton of bricks.

Grief does not work on a time schedule. People need to take their own time.

The only important word regarding time in grief is “now”. Prince Harry’s gift to us is to say that 20 years after his mother’s death, he said “now” it’s time to deal with this.

I would like to say to Prince Harry: “Good on you, sir,” for having the courage to acknowledge that seeking help is not a sign of weakness but of strength. It takes bravery to put yourself out there after years of suffering in silence.

Not that we should be surprised. We all remember that his mother was a pioneer in pulling back the curtain on topics and issues too often kept under wraps.

As Prince Harry concluded: “The experience I have had is that once you start talking about it, you realise that actually you’re part of quite a big club.”

And so say all of us.