Dr Bill: “Is this the future?”

words: Dr Bill Webster, Grief Journey

“I don’t want a funeral. I want to be remembered at the campfire.”

Mark Heslop, a funeral planner with an independent funeral home in Toronto, felt I might be the person to help organise and facilitate the request of Joan, who had died just a few weeks before at 69. Her husband and children were anxious to honour her request in a way meaningful for them.

Joan loved the outdoors, and had always gone ‘overboard’ organising campfires for her kids, and later grandkids, in her own backyard or at the cottage. Her favourite word was ‘yes’, closely followed by ‘let’s go’ and ‘let’s check it out’. Her campfire meals with chili and s’mores, and her energy for hospitality and doing things for others were legendary.

Not for Joan some traditional, sombre ritual in an unfamiliar room. She wanted to be remembered around the campfire, where she was happiest and most herself.

A total of 160 people showed up on a Saturday evening in June. The forecast had been for rain, but the sunny evening we experienced gave us the assurance that Joan was still in charge, smiling down on us.

The family chose to call it ‘A Gathering to Honour the Life of Joan’, feeling ‘Celebration of Life’ had become a bit too commonplace, and that the Gathering symbolised the fact we were doing something to honour this significant life. Every ritual should reflect the family’s agenda, not just the facilitator, and I was enthusiastic about helping them plan the meaningful details.

Mark Heslop wrote: “Our license says ‘funeral director’ but I would prefer the term ‘funeral educator’. Often we provide information to families to educate them on the value of a meaningful funeral and what it means to add a personal touch to a service, but for many, they are overcome by emotion and this often prevents the ideas from becoming reality.

“However, once in a while a family has the time to process the information and the creativity to turn the ideas into an event well worth remembering.

“It started as people entered the driveway, lined with memorial rocks with words like ‘love’ and ‘hope’ written on them.”

People arrived around 6.30pm and chatted together around the property, beautifully decorated with photos of Joan and her family’s life together, enhanced with mementoes and memorabilia.

“Entering the back yard for the service there were orders of service with a butterfly theme, ‘forget-me-not’ seeds and homemade butterfly pins. A large tree in the middle of the lawn had framed family photographs attached, surrounding the trunk. Guests were also giving the opportunity to place a floating memorial candle in the pool.”

At 7pm, the camp bell summoned everyone to gather round the campfire. Touching tributes to a wife, mother and grandmother were given by family members, including favourite poems and insights.

“During the grandchildren’s tribute they released monarch butterflies into the blue sky accompanied by special music. Following the ceremony, people took mason jars with candles and placed these around the campfire which was then lit.”

Joan’s favourite campfire meal, homemade chili in a bun bowl, was served; we enjoyed familiar camp songs with actions which we all entered into with unanticipated enthusiasm; we heard various songs and ‘party pieces’ by family and musicians, and watched a video with photos of Joan’s life with her favourite music.

“Finally, to end the night as guests were leaving, the candles that had been placed in the pool lit up like stars in the sky.

“All in all it was one of the best tributes I had ever attended.”

It was a fitting, appropriate and meaningful way to gather together to honour this life as well as commemorating her death. Mark and I sat together around the camp fire wondering if we were seeing the future of personalised funerals. I believe a trend in meaningful if not unconventional funeral rituals is already here, and the funeral profession will be wise to ‘catch the wave’.

The family and facilitators put a great deal of work into preparing for this event, but at the conclusion, everyone who was there, family and friends, had only one word to describe the experience, which Joan would have loved: “Yes.”

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