A matter of principle

words: Dr Bill Webster, Grief Journey

I was shopping recently as I’ve lost a bit of weight in the last year, and it seemed easier to buy a new suit than to purchase new belts and braces.

I was debating between three possibilities and then it happened: “That suit really makes you look slim, sir,” said the tailor, “and if you take it, I will include the perfect tie as part of the sale.” “Done deal,” I quickly replied, even though I had liked the other two equally well. As I made my way home, I asked myself, “Why did I make up my mind so quickly?” Did he exaggerate? Probably, but I didn’t care. I am still no beanpole, but something inside said: “I’d like to look slim.” Or maybe it was the free tie that appealed to my Scottish nature? What made me decide?

The reciprocity principle is a basic law of social psychology, that states that in many social situations we pay back what we received from others. In other words, if someone does something nice for you, you’re likely to feel a strong need to return the favour.

Isn’t it interesting how we sometimes make a spur of the moment decision and later on, when we think about it, we ask ourselves: “What made me do that?” Sometimes people purchase something and only later experience ‘buyer’s remorse’, realising they made an emotional rather than rational decision.

Have you ever wondered why? Think about it. You open a door for someone and they smile back. Someone does something nice for you, and you feel a strong need to do something for them. That salesperson showed me three nice suits, but also offered a flattering comment and a gift. He appealed to my logic, but my emotional response sealed the deal. I liked all three, but a combination of my head and my ‘heart’ brought me to a decision.

That’s reciprocity. To understand how it works, you have to understand how the brain functions. The innermost region, the limbic cortex, controls our wants, needs and emotions, and drives behaviour such as my buying action. It settles why we do something. But the only way to get the limbic brain to activate is to create an emotional response. The wonderful feeling of receiving a gift or compliment is generated by the limbic cortex. So is your desire to say thank you and perhaps respond with a hug or reciprocal action. My limbic brain said: “This person has paid you a nice compliment (‘you look slimmer’) and given you a gift (‘free tie’). I want to do something good for him.” Hence: “It’s a deal!”

Except the limbic brain cannot speak and has to function in conjunction with another layer, the neocortex – our logical brain. It tries to put into words what the limbic brain has done. When people try to ‘sell’ to the neocortex with a logical argument, the customer responds with words and logic, not emotion. I was ‘sold’ on all three suits (neocortex) but my decision was made in my limbic brain, based on how I felt.

The emotional limbic brain controls ‘gut feelings’. If it is not sensing happiness and trust, whoever is ‘selling’ us is fighting a losing battle. If we don’t feel good about who is presenting to us, we will rarely make the purchase.

So to close any transaction, you must first recognise you have two sequential ‘sales’ to make: the first, an emotional sale to the limbic brain; the second, a logical argument to the neocortex.

Now I am a simple grief counsellor, so what would I know about sales techniques in the funeral profession? It is up to you to figure out how the reciprocity principle could work for you, for pre-need plans or at-need sales.

Maybe as you communicate to the neocortex the confidence that what you offer is ultimately in the best interest of the family, that emotion triggers a second limbic cue, repayment of gratitude for your gesture with a positive response. Maybe the gift is in offering products or services to provide aftercare. Whatever!

But as we offer our services to people, the fundamental question is, how can we speak to the portion of the brain that does not recognise speech? You can’t sell or convince someone’s inner brain with logic; it only responds to feelings and only gives feelings back.

When you have spoken to both ‘brains’, satisfying the person’s emotional and logical needs, you create a win/win for both the family and your business. And my guess is you will find that reciprocity works.

Think about it.

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